Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy) Read online

  Insensate

  by

  Michelle Ann Horst

  INSENSATE (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy)

  Copyright © 2015 Michelle Horst

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, including electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people.

  As an author I love what I write and I wrote it for you. If you want to use any part of the book and you are not sure just email me @ [email protected]. Or you can find me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/MichelleAnnHorst I’m one of the friendly ones. Quote it if you want, please tell your friends about it, create super-hot trailers and teasers. And please leave those awesome reviews!

  Michelle Horst (2015). INSENSATE (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy) Kindle Edition.

  Also by Michelle Horst

  THE TAINTED INK SERIES

  Wake Me up – A Tainted Ink Novel

  http://www. amazon. com/Wake-Me-Tainted-Ink-Book-ebook/dp/B00GDOP3NQ/ref=asap_bc? ie=UTF8

  Twenty-two-year old Emma runs from a devastating life. Wanting to escape her demons with the help of her crazy friend Chloe, she travels halfway across the world.

  Alone, Emma must make a fresh start in the small town of Chapel Hill, North Carolina. She doesn't let anyone near her, until Aiden.

  Aiden gives her a glimpse of what love really is like, but then their little world is shattered when their lives collide and Emma gets caught in the middle.

  Will Aiden cross an ocean for Emma?

  CHLOE – A Tainted Ink Novella

  http://www.amazon.com/Chloe-Tainted-Ink-Novella-Book-ebook/dp/B00O6Z4QAK/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

  I’m the people pleaser.

  I’m the party girl.

  I’m the friend that says, “Just another one.”

  But then comes Zac with his broken heart and I can’t make him just another one.

  This book is not your usual romance. It doesn't have the ending every romantic dreams of. Sometimes fires burn so hot that it destroys what could've been.

  ZAC – A Tainted Ink Novel

  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21947983-zac

  I found love twice … I lost it twice.

  Screw that, who says I have to be the one to lose again?

  I told Chloe I would fight for her and I’m going to. She’s my forever-girl and this time I’m going to make her see it.

  This novel is intended for mature audiences over the age of 18 only. It contains graphic scenes of sex, violence and strong language. I can’t stress that enough.

  VAALBARA SERIES

  Visions and Shadows

  http://www. amazon. com/Vaalbara-Visions-Shadows-Michelle-Horst-ebook/dp/B00KOZYQ56/ref=asap_bc? ie=UTF8

  Shaken by the ruthlessness of the enemies she faces, Alchera learns she can really only trust one, her guardian. The bond she shares with Raighne can be both calming and confusing, and confusion is the last thing she needs as she has to race to fulfill her destiny. With an uncertain future and no past to speak of, Alchera comes face to face with her worst enemy – the shadows growing within her. Who will be the one to guide her back when all seems lost, Raighne her guardian or Carter, the man who is a threat to her life…

  The Land of Shadows

  Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Vaalbara-Land-Shadows-Michelle-Horst-ebook/dp/B00UIBMKYU/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

  It’s been years and Alchera can’t get rid of the Shadows, or the dreams haunting her every night. Luna knows Void is behind it and won’t just stand by while Alchera is in danger. Luna takes matters into her own hands, but soon she finds her own life in danger.

  Then there is also the bond Luna shares with Storm, her trainer and friend she turned her back on not so long ago. So many secrets have to be kept while Void, with his darkness, can strike at any time. Will he bring their worst dreams and fears to life?

  A Light in the Shadows – Coming End 2015

  Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25015322-vaalbara-a-light-in-the-shadows

  Carter gave his heart to Alchera, but all he has is a broken soul to show for all the times he has tried and failed to be a good man.

  The last person he expects or wants any pity from is Elora, the child he once saved. But she isn’t a child anymore. All grown up Elora might just be able to save Carter right back.

  It's either that or Luna is going to destroy the whole of Vaalbara. Elora needs Carter on her side if she's going to go up against Luna.

  As the Vaalbara series comes to an end, Elora teams up with Carter, Raighne, Alchera and Storm, with the hope of saving Luna from herself.

  DARK BOUNDARIES

  Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Dark-Boundaries-Michelle-Horst-ebook/dp/B00TFY1ZWE/ref=la_B007BBSJR2_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423598410&sr=1-8

  He stole me.

  He broke me.

  I'm being auctioned for Fifty thousand dollars.

  Now, I don't belong to anyone but strangely enough I wanted to belong to him.

  It's his eyes . . . I lost myself in them

  CRUEL BOUNDARIES – coming end 2015

  Goodreads - https://www. goodreads. com/book/show/24490654-dark-boundaries

  He’s my cousin and I love to hate him.

  He bullies me.

  He tries to break me every chance he gets

  I remind him constantly that he’s adopted. It’s the only weapon I have against him.

  THE DISSOLUTE TRILOGY

  Insensate

  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25604988-insensate

  The Virtuous feel it’s their duty to send seven Crusaders out every year - into the Dissolutes’ Ecocity - to at least try and see if there are still people worth saving. Thus far none have returned. You’d think after years of no one coming back, they would realize it’s not working. Surely all those people can’t all still be trying to convert the Dissolute?

  Our Ecocity abides by way of the seven virtues since the wars have ended. I’d say live, but I wouldn’t go that far. No one is truly alive around here if you ask my opinion, but I wouldn’t dare say that out loud. If someone dares go against the System of Principles, they get judged by the Emissaries, and if found blameworthy of an act against any of the Seven Virtues they are cast out to become a Dissolute. The Emissaries are clever, they never use words like hate, love, religion, nor faith and hope. I’ve read about those words and I think words like ‘hope’ and ‘faith’ might wake the people up, make them less zombie-like.

  Sentient and Cerebral coming early 2016

  Footprints In The Sand (A Stand Alone Novel)

  http://www.amazon.com/Footprints-Sand-Michelle-Horst-ebook/dp/B00YLJ5R4A/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1433101882&sr=1-1&keywords=footprints+in+the+sand+michelle+horst

  He is all I think and dream about.

  My teenage heart beats only for him.

  Until he becomes part of my worst nightmare...

  Now, I avoid him.

  I ban every thought of him.

  (This is a Stand Alone novel. It is written from both Lacey and Seth's point of view.)

  WARNING: This book has violence, sexual scenes and language in it. It is recommended for 18+ only.

  If you su
ffer from any triggers, do not read this book.

  Acknowledgements

  I want to thank God for being there every step of the way and blessing me with such an amazing life.

  Thank you to Ronald and Sheldon, my lovely family, for being so patient with me.

  Kristine, my BFF and super-amazing PA, I’d be lost without.

  And most important – the readers, reviewers and bloggers – thank you for each of you. You make writing worthwhile.

  Love ya all tons ;)

  ~*~

  Animals … predators

  A part of the world that lives and breathes with a certain raw primal energy.

  Theirs is a violent world, not a malicious one - that’s our world alone.

  There is no judgement of good and bad, just of the weak.

  ~Derek Joubert

  Chapter One

  “It’s time.” Dad offers me a stiff smile. Today is hard on him too. I take one last look at myself in the mirror, making sure everything is in place.

  My ash blonde hair is clipped back with Mom’s butterfly clips. They’re tiny and brown in color, not pretty like some of the other girls’ clips are, but they’re special to me. It’s my way of honoring Mom, remembering that she stood up to the Emissaries to try and stay with us.

  My new shirt fits just right, not too tight. Earlier this year when my other shirts got too small, I got excited. Our neighbor, Mrs. Noah, said I shouldn’t worry, that I would fill out nicely like the other girls. Nearing twenty, I’m starting to get worried, though. When you look like a child people treat you like a child. My body developed a little, but not nearly enough, not enough to be taken seriously as an adult or to be wanted as a wife.

  Eighteen was supposed to be my big passage to adulthood, but it turned out to be just another number. Mom was taken from us two years ago, and my eighteenth birthday came with pitiful glances and awkward smiles.

  At twenty we get married and it’s at times like this I hate the Virtuous way. Mom won’t be here to help me. She won’t be here to see who will be chosen for me.

  I have the same green eyes as Mom and I’m on the shorter side, built small just like her. No amount of growth spurts are going to help with my length, at least, I don’t think so. I wish I had her dark hair it’s the one thing I didn’t get from her. She was beautiful.

  I sigh and shove the memories away, tucking them deep in my heart. In just a few more months I’ll be married. I hope that will finally make the people realize I’m not ‘little Jai’ anymore.

  I pull at my collar. The fabric is still hard from not being worn. I kept it especially for today, the seventh day of the seventh month, the day the bus comes around to pick up seven of us. It’s time for us to go wait outside like the rest of our neighbors, to wait and see who will be given the honor of becoming a Crusader. They call it an honor to be chosen, but I’m not so sure about that.

  Dad is safe from being chosen, and so am I. We know we won’t be chosen. Mom was already chosen from our family. Only one per family, they said.

  I get up to leave, taking one last look at my reflection. My eye catches the portrait of Mom, it’s the only one we have of her in the house. She is smiling up at me from where she’s sitting in a rocking chair, holding me as a baby. I take the portrait out and tuck it gently in my shirt’s pocket. At least this way she’ll be close to me today.

  On my way out I glance through our living room. We never changed it after Mom was chosen, except for the glofish Dad brought home from work for my nineteenth birthday. They swim around aimlessly in their small tank. Every night I watch them as darkness sets in, their colors shining brilliantly. When they swim together and their colors blur, I can almost imagine that’s what a rainbow would look like. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to live in their confined world. Then there are nights it feels like I’m on the other side of the tank and they are watching me – I’m the one living in the confined world.

  ~*~

  “Everything will be all right, Jasper.”

  Dad is standing by the front door with his back turned to me. We don’t get to talk much, with the late hours he works. But I know he loves me. We have each other to come home to, we are still a family.

  “Yes, Dad.” I feel I have to say more to make him feel better, but I have no words of comfort to offer. Instead I take his hand and walk out onto our porch.

  Now the waiting starts. Normally I’d be getting breakfast ready for us, before heading to the seminary for my lessons. In just a few minutes everything will go on as normal. I will still be here and Dad will still be here. I’ll go back inside and make us some oats. We’ll eat and I’ll go to my classes, Dad will go to work and everything will be fine. It will be another normal, boring day.

  Next week I will write my assessment. It’s where they decide which part of the Ecocity I will be integrated into. If I study hard enough and show I’m worthy, I will get a good position. Maybe I can even become a Curer. I got a good grade for my first aid class.

  But, someone else’s life will change, all because the Virtuous feel it’s their duty to send seven Crusaders out each year - into the Dissolutes’ Ecocity - to at least try and see if there are still people worth saving. Thus far none have returned. You’d think after years of no one coming back, they would realize it’s not working. Surely all those people can’t all still be trying to convert the Dissolute?

  Our Ecocity abides by way of the seven virtues since the wars have ended. I’d say live, but I wouldn’t go that far. No one is truly alive around here if you ask my opinion, but I wouldn’t dare say that out loud. If someone dares go against the System of Principles, they get judged by the Emissaries, and if found blameworthy of an act against any of the Seven Virtues they are cast out to become a Dissolute. The Emissaries are clever, they never use words like hate, love, religion, nor faith and hope. I’ve read about those words and I think words like ‘hope’ and ‘faith’ might wake the people up, make them less zombie-like.

  Nobody has been cast out since Mom. She was found blameworthy of selfishness. It was an act against Humility.

  Selflessness, ‘it’s not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less’. Those were the words they judged her with. Words once spoken by a man named C. S. Lewis. He lived hundreds of years ago, yet his words condemned my mother.

  She was chosen to become a courageous Crusader, but didn’t want to leave us. She got cast out anyway - with no hope of ever returning. Hope, I have hope that things might change. I don’t speak to anyone of it. I have hope, that one day we might make our own choices of what to wear and what colors the clothes could be – just simple things.

  I don’t always understand what the Emissaries mean to achieve by sending out Crusaders. If people like Mom can’t be saved, can’t be forgiven, then why should we go out to see if there are others? Why give others a chance if Mom can’t have one? I know I shouldn’t question the Virtuous way - this enhanced and purified society – but I do, a little more every day. What does it really stand for?

  ~*~

  I’m afraid I’m not Virtuous enough, and as I stand here watching the bus stop way down the street, my heart leaps to my throat. I fear they’ll see it on my face. Part of me wants to walk out into the street and offer myself up as a Crusader, so I can have a chance to go look for Mom.

  No one has ever done something like that; offered themselves up to become a Crusader. But, that part of me that wants to walk into the street has this hope that there is more to life. My life is as colorless as the world around me, my skin a faded yellow just like the walls of our houses, and the blood pulsing listlessly through my veins, a dull blue, like the tiles on our roofs. My life is droning by, day by day, and one day I’ll blink and I’ll be old. There has to be more to my life – a purpose.

  Then there’s another part of me, the part that fears I’ll never have enough courage to do such a thing. That part of me wants to stay with Dad, here where it is safe. I have a routine, and even though it’s
a boring one, it is my life.

  When I start to grow frustrated with my life, I tell myself it’s only temporary. My studies will come to an end and maybe I can go work in the genetics department with dad. I can help grow the vegetables we eat. I can be an asset to my Ecocity, and maybe then, I’ll feel more like a Virtuous.

  I’ll get married soon. I’ll experience my first hug, my first kiss. I’ll experience what it feels like to care for another person – a man. It’s a frightening thought. Will I be a good wife? What will be expected of me? The matrimonial course is scheduled for a week before the actual marriage takes place. I have no idea what a marriage entails. I hardly had any example from my parents, with them being at work all the time. I saw them kiss once and that was on the day Mom was taken from us.

  Maybe I should go talk to Mrs. Noah about marriage? She seems to know an awful lot about everything. She is after all the oldest.

  For now all my worries have to wait. I hold on to Dad’s hand with both of mine as the bus comes closer. It feels like it’s bringing a tidal wave of tension along with it, and it’s going to wipe me right off my feet.

  It slows down two houses from ours, slowing my heartbeat along with it. I can hear every beat thumping in my ears. When it stops in front of our house, a cold sweat breaks out over my body, even though it’s not hot enough outside. It never gets that hot here, never too hot to sweat, because there is no sun to warm our faces. The hermetically sealed dome protects us from the sun’s dangerous rays, and all we see of it is a blurred circle that moves across our dome. The dome keeps out all the natural elements, and more.