Ruth (An Insensate Novella) (The Dissolute Trilogy Book 2) Read online

  “Come on down,” he calls, without looking up. I don’t know how he knew I was here. I walk to him, glad to see no sign of the scaffoldings. I stop a few safe steps away from him again. He points toward the wall. “That is your target. It’s not alive, do you agree?”

  I frown at his question. “Of course.” I’m just scared, not stupid.

  “So, then you won’t freak out if you have to shoot it,” he says, turning to me. My eyes immediately drop to the gun in his other hand. Prickles of fear run over my body. “Come stand in front of me, Ruth.” I take a deep breath and with every step I take, I watch the gun come closer. “Look at the target.” My eyes snap to the target, a man cut from paper.

  I feel Roland come stand behind me, then he steps so close his chest presses into my back. His arms come around me and again I follow the gun, as it comes into my line of sight. “Don’t scream. Don’t cry. Just watch.”

  He holds the gun with his right hand, and with his left hand he supports his wrist. I feel his chest press into my back and against my head. I press my lips tightly together to keep from screaming. The last thing I want to do is upset him. I do not want a repeat of yesterday.

  A loud bang shreds the silence to pieces. My whole body jerks with fright and I lift my hands to my ringing ears. My breaths come faster, as the familiar thundering sound brings back the awful memories of that horrible night.

  I turn my face away and look at Roland’s arm. I don’t want to see the thing that killed all those people, that killed Mr. Demetrius.

  “Ruth, take the gun,” he whispers.

  I spin around in his arms and grab hold of his shirt. “Please, no!” The gun feels like a hot iron burning behind my back.

  “You have to learn to defend yourself,” he says softly. He is totally the opposite of the man he was yesterday.

  I feel his hand on my back, and I press closer to him to get away from the gun. I glance anxiously over my shoulder at the gun, and he moves the hand holding it away from me. His other hand brushes up my back toward my neck, and he presses me against his chest.

  I don’t understand what’s happening - how I went from being terrified of Roland to seeing him as someone who might protect me. It must be all the fear that’s driving me insane!

  “Ruth,” he breathes my name, and I cling tighter to him, “we can be attacked at any moment. I need the peace of mind that you will be able to fire a gun. It’s not going to hurt you. I promise. I’m going to be right here.”

  I glance up at him and his eyes aren’t sharp like they always are, they’re soft, worried even, and it makes my throat dry right up.

  “Roland!” Sam calls, and his voice echoes through the dome. I cringe at the volume.

  “What,” Roland snaps, above my head, and the soft look disappears, but his hand tightens around my neck, holding me tightly to him.

  “What should I do with the other newbie?”

  Roland turns his face sideways, and it looks hard as granite again, emotionless. “Does it look like I care?” he hisses.

  I bury my face in his chest, as a tremble starts to spread through me. I wish I was stronger, like Jai. I wish I wasn’t so scared of everything.

  “So what … I take him outside and put a bullet in his head? Cause I sure as hell ain’t gonna train him!” Sam snaps back.

  I make a strangled noise as I suck in a breath, and hide my face deeper against Roland’s chest. I don’t want to hear this! I can hardly look after myself! I can’t worry about Jasper right now.

  “Sam,” Ronald hisses, “don’t push me right now.”

  It goes quiet, but Roland is still tense against me, and I can’t stop trembling. I take a deep breath, but it sticks painfully in my throat when Sam’s shout echoes down the tunnel. “I said run, newbie!” I hear Jasper cry out in pain and my whole body goes numb against Roland.

  Both his arms wrap around me and he pulls me up against him.

  “Look at me,” he says, his tone urgent. My breaths rush over my lips, anxious torn puffs. “You look only at me, Ruth! No crying! No fainting! No screaming! You don’t see them. There’s only me!”

  I nod, but my eyes jump to the entrance as Jasper gets pushed in by Sam. Roland cups my face in both his hands, and turns it back to his.

  “Repeat what I just said,” he hisses at me.

  “There’s only you.” It’s all I can remember with the panic raging in me.

  “Turn around and face the target. Remember what I said, the gun can’t hurt you. I’m right here,” he says.

  I don’t know what I fear more, the gun, or Sam yelling at Jasper. I shudder as I turn in Roland’s arms. I immediately feel vulnerable, as I face the target.

  Jasper yelps, and then everything goes quiet, there’s only my erratic breaths. Roland’s arm slips around my waist and he pulls me to him.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Roland’s voice sounds like ice. I’m not sure who he’s talking to, until I hear Sam say, “She’s a liability. There’s no judgement of the good and the bad, only the weak.” My eyes dart to Sam’s, but he’s not looking at me. Sam and Roland are staring each other down. Sam takes a step towards me. “Those are your words, not mine. She’s weak and she’s making you weak. Be honest with yourself Roland, if I had taken her you would’ve expected me to break her and then make a fighter of her. You expect it from all of us.”

  I tighten my grip on Roland’s arm and bite at my bottom lip. I swallow the fear back. Sam wants me gone!

  “What you do with your trainees is your business, Sam.” Roland’s voice is low, the warning clearly there.

  “What you do with our team is my business,” Sam snaps, his tone deadly and it makes my stomach churn. “Protecting her is not going to make her stronger.” He takes a breath and I feel the air stiffen. “So, here is what we’re gonna do. I’m either gonna snap this one’s neck,” he says it calmly, as he grabs hold of Jasper, catching him in a tight hold around his neck.

  I gasp, and petrified that he would do such a thing to Jasper, I glance up at Roland hoping he will stop Sam.

  Sam’s arm is tight around Jasper’s neck, and I can see Jasper is taking strain, his face growing red. He looks just as frightened as I feel, “or you’re gonna train her the same way you trained all the others.”

  Roland suddenly yanks me behind him. He raises the gun, pointing it at Jasper. My heart lurches to my throat, threatening to jump right out.

  “Never tell me what to do in my own ward!” Roland yells. I flinch behind him. “What makes you think I will not hesitate to put a bullet in his head myself?”

  Kill Jasper? No, no, no! My eyes dart from Sam, to a terrified Jasper, only to stop on Roland, who looks like he won’t hesitate to kill Jasper.

  “At the cost of her hating you?” Sam asks. He tightens his arm around Jasper’s neck, lifting his feet off the floor. Jasper’s choke grates down my spine. I can’t just stand here anymore! I’m scared to death, but I can’t watch Jasper die, too!

  “No! Please stop,” I shriek, and I dart out from behind Roland, my eyes on Jasper. We’ve been through hell together. I can’t let Sam kill Jasper, not because I’m scared, but because he is all I have left of home and he’d do the same for me.

  I hit at my chest with a fist. “Me!” I don’t think and grab the gun from Roland’s hand. The metal is ice cold and heavy in my hand. “Don’t kill him,” I swallow hard and hold the gun out to Sam. It rattles in my hand as my whole body shakes with fear, but I push through. “Kill me.”

  ~*~

  “She speaks,” Sam says, and he smiles. He lets go of Jasper and pats him on the back. I watch as Jasper gags for air and then Roland pushes past me. He grabs hold of Sam, lifting him of the ground.

  “If you ever try something like that again, I will kill you!” he yells. “You do not interfere with my training! She is mine and I will train her as I see fit, do you understand me?” He lets go of Sam with a hard shove.

  Sam laughs as he finds his footing. “At least you ad
mitted it.”

  “What?” Roland snaps.

  “That she’s yours.” Sam walks right up to Roland. “Now remember that next time you see Jai or Rachel. Jai belongs to Chance, and Rachel to me. We feel about them the same way you feel about Ruth. They are not just members of the team, they are ours.” He turns to Jasper. “Why are you still here listening? Disappear, newbie!”

  Jasper runs out of the dome with Sam behind him. The gun is still rattling in my hand when Roland turns around. I look down at it, trying hard to stop my hand from shaking so the rattling will stop.

  Roland walks back toward me. He takes hold of my hips and turns me toward the target. His arms fold around me and he takes hold of my wrists, helping me keep the gun still. His chest presses hard against my back. His hands cover mine and he holds me still for moment.

  “You did very good. You didn’t cry. You didn’t scream. You didn’t faint. I’m proud of you,” he whispers. His breath stirs hot in my hair, and the heat keeps spreading, warming my body for the first time since this morning. “Now, when you pull the trigger the blast is going to be really loud and the gun is going the recoil in your hands. It’s all normal. Put your finger on the trigger.”

  I turn my head and glance up at him. He’s really close, and I feel his breath on my face.

  “The trigger?” I ask. I don’t think he understands. The only knowledge I have of guns is when they shot at me.

  He smiles gently, and there’s a weird sensation in my stomach. “Don’t look at me like that, Ruth.” I frown and look in front of me. He guides my hand around the gun, and places my finger in a weird loop thingy. “This is the trigger. You aim at the target, you pull the trigger and the bullet comes out.” His breath keeps stirring warm over my ear, and the weird sensation in my stomach is growing stronger. “Are you ready?”

  “Yes,” I say, sounding hoarse. I clear my throat. He leans in closer and tightens his grip on my hands.

  “Pull the trigger.” I pull at the little lever-thingy, and nothing happens. “Harder,” he whispers in my ear, and his breath sends shivers down my spine. I pull at it hard and there’s a loud bang.

  I shriek at the noise. The gun jerks hard in my hands and I yank away. I swing around and if he had given me half a second more I would’ve climbed him like a tree, but I don’t get to do any of that. His arms lift me to him and I throw mine around his neck. I bury my face against his neck, breathing hard. His hands slip over my hips, and leaning down he takes hold of my thighs. He lifts me up, bringing my legs around his waist, and I cling to him, hoping this means we are done for the day.

  “Let’s take a look,” he says and I feel the words vibrate against my cheek.

  I pull back slightly and peek at the target from over my shoulder. There’s a hole in the man’s side.

  “Not too bad for a first shot. Now I just have to get you to actually hold the gun without dropping it.”

  My head jerks up. “Not today, please.”

  He looks down with the same soft look from earlier and it makes my stomach flutter. He presses my face back into his neck, and walks fast out of the Drill Zone. I hear him enter the code to the door and I peek over his shoulder as we pass through it. I cling tighter to him as he opens the door to his room. I’m glad I don’t have to go back to that other place where everyone sleeps together, I’d rather stay with him. One person is better than a whole bunch.

  The thought stuns me. I pull back and look up at him as he stops at the bed. He lowers me until my feet touch the floor. Nervous tingles spread up from my stomach to my throat. I felt them once before, back when Levi sat next to me in English and Science.

  Roland brushes my hair from my face and his eyes drift from my eyes to my mouth. He doesn’t look up at my eyes again and I feel my cheeks growing hot under his gaze. He doesn’t do anything. He just stands in front of me.

  “I’m what you would call a born and bred Dissolute, Ruth,” he says, but I don’t know what that means. “Things work differently on this side. We are raised differently. Chance was the first Virtuous I trained, and while I showed him our way of doing things, he taught me some of yours.”

  I turn my face to his and let my eyes wander over every inch. There are so many sides to him that he doesn’t show the others. It’s sad that he has to hide himself from them.

  “What did Chance teach you?”

  “You live in a cult-like environment,” he says. I don’t understand and frown. “What the Emissaries say is law. No one questions it. If they say no one is allowed to wear black then no one wears black.”

  I glance down at the black clothes I’m wearing. It makes my skin look even paler.

  “They said,” he places his hand on mine, where it’s resting on my stomach, “no touching or you will be impure, and you believe them.”

  He brushes his hands up my arm and I feel his fingers press into my skin. My breath catches as he reaches my shoulder and he keeps going, dipping towards my neck. I concentrate not to swallow as his fingers brush up my neck, and when he reaches my mouth, he pauses.

  “They said,” his eyes dance between my eyes and mouth, and the nervous excitement grows until my chest is full of it, “no kissing. They controlled each and every one of you. We were taught to touch,” he whispers, trailing one finger over my bottom lip. Streaks of tingles race down to my stomach, “and we were taught to kiss. It’s what makes us human. You are a sentient being. Sensations and feelings set you apart from the Insensates.”

  My eyes drift to his mouth, and as if he was waiting for me to do just that, his hand slips behind my head. He pulls me up, and his mouth presses to mine. Anxiety trickles through me for a few seconds, and then his lips move against mine. I feel his tongue slip over my bottom lip and it makes my whole body shudder, as tingles spread through me.

  He pulls away and his eyes rake over my face, and then he smiles. “That’s much better,” he whispers. “Now we have your first kiss out of the way. What do you know about sex?” I make a strangled noise in my throat, and feel how my whole face goes red. I can’t believe he just asked me that!

  “Really?” he asks, then he smiles, “that’s good to know. I’d hate to think there’s someone out there I have to kill because they touched you.”

  My eyes widen and he leans in closer until I can feel his breath on my face.

  “Don’t look so scared, Ruth. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t expect you to do anything you don’t want to do. Unless you say otherwise there won’t be sex, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going kiss you, or touch you.”

  I lift my hands to his shoulders and feel the muscles move under my fingers as he leans in, pressing his mouth to mine. His right hand cups my jaw and his tongue slips over my bottom lip again. I move my lips against his, kissing him back.

  For the first time since I was sent out as a Crusader do I feel safe, and it’s all because of Roland.

  ~*~

  Chapter Three

  Roland~

  It’s all about perception. If people think they can walk over you they will. If people fear you they listen. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am. I’ve sacrificed my heart for this cause and ward.

  People think I’m a bastard when they meet me, but once they’re trained and they can fight, it’s a different story. I make men out of boys. I never take a woman, those I leave to the others. I’ve watched too many of my men go soft, Greg, Sam and now Chance, and there was that bastard Craig, who just couldn’t keep his hands off them.

  I’m just glad newbie season is over and Jai and Aaron are it for our ward. Aaron won’t make it. He’s better off becoming one of those entertainers. I sure as hell don’t want him fighting next to me, but Jai will toughen up still. She has a lot of spirit.

  “Newbie alert!” Mike’s voice echoes outside my door.

  I yank the door open and glare at him. “What the hell?”

  “Two more. A guy and girl. Got to go get Vine,” he says, rushing down the tunnel.

 
“You got to be kidding me,” I snap. I don’t need two more, not so close to the war.

  I give Vine her ten minutes to do her tour crap, before I go to see what my latest problems look like. I yank the door open and stalk toward the commons. I stop when I hear the crying. I don’t do crying.

  “It was … awful, Jai,” the girl stammers through her tears. “There were these people waiting on the other side. They just shot at us. We didn’t do anything wrong!”

  “Shhh, you’re going to be okay now,” Jai says. Jai shouldn’t make promises she can’t keep.

  ~*~

  I normally introduce myself to the newbies within the hour. I like to set them straight, but the crying rattled me. I avoid my own ward the whole damn day, and I’m feeling pissed as hell when I walk into the ward later that evening.

  “So, no initiations this season?” Sam asks, leaning against my door. I’m so not in the mood for this.

  “You really want to do this now? I’ve had a real shitty day.”

  “Let’s just get it over with. With the new arrivals we’re going to run out of time,” he says, and it’s making sense, as much as I hate doing the initiations.

  “Whose damn idea was it to do them again?” I snap as we start down the tunnel.

  “I have no idea, but when we find him we can take turns beating the shit out of him,” Sam jokes, trying to make me feel better about what we’re going to do to Jai.

  “Still sucks man. You have everything?”

  “Yeah, got the remote from Chance. He’s not helping out with her, it’s just us.”

  Walking into the sleeping quarters, I feel like shit. We each play our part, and it really does suck.

  “Time to pay your dues, newbie,” I whisper in Jai’s ear.

  I grab hold of Jai and a shriek from the bed next to her makes me look up. I go through the motions with Jai but my eyes are on the new girl as she jumps up. The last thing I need right now is interference. She stumbles backwards and falls. I can’t see her face clearly, but I can feel her fear as we pick up Jai, and it makes me feel even worse.

  After we tie Jai down to the Crowsnest, Chance takes her down, just like I expected he would. If he didn’t go for her, Sam would’ve. He would’ve done it for Rachel.